Ohhh the places you’ll go…There is no 13 reasons why…there is only ONE!

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We have been talking about this topic a lot lately.  I have been watching a television show called 13 REASONS WHY, and even though it boils my blood on some levels, its a very good show, especially for teenagers. It exposes very clearly to all the dangers and consequences of their actions.  And I have always been telling him this, even with your condition, you are old enough to know and thankfully you are very bright and you understand many things (even when I am aware that some many others are not where we will want yet, if ever) but I know that you understand that if you decide to do something, wherever it is, it will have a consequence.  I am a firm believer of Karma and to not make it angry, and its something both my kids have adopted too.  When something happens and we get to see the fallout, they will instantly look at me and say “karma”. So I know they understand. We learned a very clear lesson not so far ago.  We saw a guy coming running to the highway and been rolled over. That right there was very clear, what kind of person runs to the very highly traffic road, and under a peatonal bridge no less! We learned later that he had just killed his wife and was on the run.  Karma.

I keep telling him this, over and over, your decisions are your own, and yours only. Going back to the program, this teenager who appeared to be a smart and strong one, ends up killing herself and leaving some tapes for all the ones she considered “the guilty of her death”.  As I explained to him what the program was about, I was mad, not for all the things that happened to her, which by the way she let them happen, or could had avoid!. But I was mad cause yes, shit happens, and sometimes you cannot stop something bad from happening but guess what, it happened, but life goes on and you have to keep living. It was a lesson and you have to toughen up and deal with life head on. That my boy, its the ONLY REASON WHY!

Ohhh the places you’ll go….and all the places they can take you!

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People ask me why l don’t a knowledge the April autism month. Well, is very simple. I have a blog that I share with strangers on a weekly basis. I don’t need one month to a knowledge it. I do it every day….. not even acknowledge, I live with it. Big difference…

Today he skipped school cause his little sister is sick and he is a little too, so we decided to stay and do homeshool ( he does both, home school and go to a center for math and other classes).  Among the many topics on his head, those random and sometimes exhausting long themes, he mix his stories on his head with worries about his life. He is aware of other kids having girlfriends and doing teenagers stuff, and he worries about it, still he goes to his la la land mode and storytelling. But today is different, non weird, but unusual, he is in a non stop chatting mode, and even sat down with me to talk about ideas and making a story in one of his many books.  I love these moments, even though I am trying to study.  But when he takes those moments to empty his mind, I have to be around….I have to listen.  So here I am, listening……….

As you can see, I live with this awesome ideas human machine, I don’t have to acknowledge, I live with it. Is like my own book of stories that talks to me, and I love it. You should be this lucky!

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Jobs…that necessary yet awful word….

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Thank you Mike Rowe and the friend who posted this just in the best moment!…

Jobs….a necessity of life…this is a conversation I have with my 16 year old Aspie a lot. He thinks that because of his condition he doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up. How do you explain that even when many do know what to do when they reach adulthood, so many others don’t. Not just because of lack of interest in a subject. Maybe just the opposite, a person can have many interests, a person can go from job to job, and who is to say is not correct?

A job is a job I keep telling him. As long as you feel happy and you have means to do the things you really want to do, go after whatever you want or can do. I have met both sides of the dilemma. I have a friend who always wanted to be an architect, she studied and graduated and now is an architect. She is happily married and living in Seattle. Life is good for her I guess. But I have also met people who got just the jobs they can get. Education, you see, is not available for everyone for many reasons. Still, they are poor as mouse but they are the happiest people I have known.

Then there’s the other side, the ones (like me) who have studied a couple of different things, not because of indecision but because I like many things and have some time to study,  I love to study and will probably die doing it. I haven’t really worked as any of the things I studied officially, instead I spend around 13 years working in the airport, in different companies and doing different things.  Of all the jobs I have had, being a ramp agent has been the most fun and challenging. Being there to block the airplanes and do all the things that has to be done in there, in a rush before another airplane comes in, was exiting for me. Many people, specially pilots back then didn’t understood how a woman can be doing that job and actually like it.  But I did, I enjoyed very much, I was extremely fit back then, another good side of the job.  The last 7 years I worked there I was at a “good job” with good benefits, but I was miserable, like many of the people working there.  You see, between been a ramp agent with no benefits or having a better job with better benefits but being miserable, I choose the ramp, every time.

Looking forward to end my current studies in what was supposed to be what I have done with my life from the beginning (you see Owen, I didn’t saw it that way back then, I just realized a couple of years ago, even when a good friend once told me “you should had been a photo journalist” some years back.  It never occurred to me, even when write and take photos is all that fills my soul.  Instead now I am trying to make it happen, yet age, like it or not, is a factor, so is just wait and see)  We will see what happens, if it happens good, if not, then whatever has to happen as long as it is a job and pay the bills and some trips, it will all be welcomed.

WORDS….the key to dreams…

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I found this lovely wall while walking thru San Juan…  and couldn’t help but think about some words I read in a book:

“and our eyes locked fin one of those shared but wordless moments when  you know that a stranger is thinking the same thing, or something approximating it, about an event that is unfolding…” David Cohen, Diary of a Commuter

Many people keep journals, to have a record of moments, of things they did on a particular day, on a particular year, so they can storage and maybe some other person reads it many years later. Somehow I find I have done the same but not with moments, but with words.

I have many books, notebooks, papers everywhere, and what you are going to find in them is WORDS.  It could be a sentence of a song,  something someone said in a movie. And definitely things I get out of books because they sound so ethereal, they take may mind away, far far away.  So, I do keep some kinds of journals, but they are in everywhere I am, in everything I touch.  I can be reading a book (and yes, I am one of those who underlines, writes notes on the foot of the page, I mark pages, I do it all) I can be reading a neuroscience’s book and have notes of songs on any given page. Is just what I do. Someday someone is going to read my things and say: ”this girls lived in some kind of fantasy” and yes, I live lost in words, in images of what those words mean or can be.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…..Cheers to uncertainty, these are the facts…

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…To whatever happens, however happens, only God and destiny knows.

They say: “getting the facts, getting all the facts, getting them in order, and presenting them clearly.”  I wish how to get order and clarity.  The facts are that I am a  single widow mother of two kids, Owen, the guy on my stories is an Aspie, he is autistic. And Evaness is a happy 9 year old who happens to be epileptic. Right now, due to not having help with them I am not working, I spend around 12 or 13 years at the airport but had to quit.  So here I am, needing a job, but trying to find the way to do it since Evaness is not old enough to be left alone and Owen is not able to take care of her if I have to go away for some hours.

You see, I have always been a free spirit and I love many things, have studied different things, but never got myself a career, it has never been important to me. Now at 40, I wish I did took something for a good job, like Journalism.  Some years ago a friend told me I should have been a photo journalist.  I did took a course and I love it, also have keep studying. I have always loved to write too.  Is something I have always done, in some way.  But for some reason never took seriously or considered as a career.  Now it seems like an unachievable goal.  I have the desire, and I am studying and taking courses, but the reality of my age is an issue that sadly is gonna get in my way.

Today my autistic son, who are not completely aware of how much I worry about the future, my future, his future, send me a little video about this awesome woman we all know and it was a very eye opening little video.  Is about J.K. Rowling and how she struggled and at the end well, we all know how it has been.  Little did he know, it was the kind of story I needed to hear about, a nice reminder that great things can happen.  I don’t expect anything great to happen to me, but still it gives me hope to think it will all  work out,  and it’s all going to be ok.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…Our house is a mess, Thank God!

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This week, with Owens approval and actual encouragement, I am talking about the other special girl in our lives….

You see, as much as I love Museums (and boy, do I love them) I do not wish to live in one.  Our days at home revolves around toys laying everywhere and me asking her to put them back (which she almost never do) but the thing is, I actually enjoy her mess…She has this extremely playful, happy, and lately a smarty pants attitude that sometimes gets to my never, but I very much prefer it to be this way…She will be a real ball-buster, which, I have to admit, I kind of love about her.  I prefer her to be like that, than to be a sensitive (to the extreme) shy princess!

She still has that innocence, she plays by herself with her dolls around the house, fantasizing  and laughing, like no one is watching.  I have found myself recording her every now and then.  Because even though she is still 9, the big girl attitude in her is starting to wake up.  Pretty soon, this little playful girl will just be present in those recordings. I hope not.

So, for the time being, I will enjoy how special she is and enjoy the mess.  I very much prefer to live with this mess, it means there’s still life in the house…….

Ohhh the places you’ll go…Mind shifts…

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… One minute he is talking about what happened at school, then he will change to politics, these days is a common theme, and I cannot explain here how much I hate politics…but he reads, and reads, and react, and I am the one who has to listen….He is really bothered by this “clown” politician as he call it and hopes IT disappears  Two minutes of silence and then he is like: “mom, you should write a blog about her (his sister) and make a story.  You  can call it “Hypermelody” about this girl who has a magical violin that can control the elements…” Just like that, no warning, just bam!, change of subject.  My mind has an internal mechanic system for such changes of frequencies, years of practicing…. And did I mentioned this was just in the 10 minutes drive back home from school…?

 

Ohhh the places you’ll go…what takes my Aspie out of his bubble

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20170218_120712      People think that they don’t care about anything that happens out of their comfort zone; they cannot be more far from the thruth. They care too much, they are just very selective. Today I have been in an immense amount of pain I can barely walk, but still I have to get up and get in the car and take them to school.  On our way to school he can see that I’m in pain so he just keeps talking to me non-stop just making sure I am paying attention to him and engaging in conversation. I guess it’s his way to make sure that I can forget about the pain if he keeps me entertained. That’s how they work when they care about something enough to go out of their bubbles. (Just as we got back home and I kind of yelled in pain he asked me if I could not do it cause is too much to take” how’s that for not caring?)

Ohhh the places you’ll go…bittersweet lessons

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Just a little while back he learned, first hand, thru a bad experience we happened to witness, the consequences of bad choices. The consequences of Karma.  We saw this guy being hit and runned over on a very busy avenue. It was right in front of us, literally a car before us was the one who hit him…I was so annoyed by the fact that it was almost below a peatonal bridge that he chooses to skip that it happened. And was so much more annoyed cause I feel sorry for the woman driving that car.  Owen just tried to keep talking about other things to distract me and stop all the cursing…..

And with those experiences comes the arguments…Why God let these things happen? Some people think God does not exist and that’s why…”  To what I always react the same way, Not all that happens is Gods fault, is not destiny, or even chance…We have free will, and with it comes the consequences.  We are free to do what we want, to choose what we want.  If we decide to do something, for good or bad, specially when it goes wrong, don’t blame God, or destiny or chance, it was YOUR choice, it was your doing.  Like the guy who just skip the bridge that is there to protect him and just went for the road and got killed.  We saw him still alive, but later learned that he had just stabbed his wife and was on the run when it happen and did died….Karma…the consequence of a bad choice…

He asked me: “you think we will be marked for this?” and I said, I’m not sure, but I am sure you will remember that guy whenever you decide to cross a road….When we got home he was telling the fish about what happened and how important it is to be careful when crossing a road……

Ohhh the places you’ll go….A simple question, is never JUST a simple question!

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So, here I was, finishing one of the classes with the little one, exasperated, and Owen comes in.  As I tell her, yes, you can get a brake (and see her shadows behind as she starts running out) I look at him and start confiding, as I always do, in how annoying she is sometimes when we are studying.

I will tell him how slow she is writing, as I have to translate and explain everything that is in English, cause she doesn’t like it and find any excuse, makes jokes, take her doll, just to make it more entertaining.  So I ask him: why can’t she be more like you, more disciplined, faster?…. ohhhh silly me to ask a question….

He goes and tell me to remember this lecture he was working on about the differences in all people and how important it is we are all different. Of course he didn’t leave it at just a comment, or a sarcasm…Noooooooooo…. he goes on then asking me: wouldn’t you be bored if we were both autistic? Well, no, indeed…I would not be bored.  And I am extremely grateful of how enormously different you guys are…I have both poles here.  But that differences is what keeps my world interesting and definitely never boring….