Ohhh the places you’ll go…the agony of flying

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The things you shouldn’t take for granted when you have “normal” kids….We will have to take a 17 hour train from NY to CHI and another 23 hour train from CHI to DFW a week later, just to spare Owen the agony of a plane ride…don’t get me wrong….we will enjoy it too…we are adventurers, and even he is still in his own world most of the time, he loves it….the trips, the new places… Sadly being from a small island, we have to take a plane to cross the water, after that, is all by train. The agony is more than this pic shows; usually he is on my lap, with one of his hands holding mine. That is how the time on the airplane goes…its torture…but, is a price to pay for adventures, so we endure it. Let it come, and let it be!

This post is from last year, but i haven’t post it here. Still we look forwards our next adventure next month and its always the same thing. It does not get easier. This time the trip will be from NY to Seattle by train…almost 3 days. But a difference this time is that is for a perspective purposes. We are looking to see some programs and an university that has an Asperger’s program. We are looking forwards the future. Wish us luck!

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Ohhh the places you’ll go… I can’t see his future, only its possibilities!

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Some things really scare me, like the future, his future.  Is a fear of every parent, but in some special cases, is bigger.  I have always wonder how his future is gonna be. If he will adapt to be on his own.  And lately I have seen the answer to that question in a form of a very old elementary friend who is very special too, her name is Carmen and I see her almost every day.

I remember her in school, what is her condition I don’t know, but they were always taken away to special classes.  Now, all grown up I can see her walking with her bag and a lunch bag going on.  Judging by her clothes, I know she is working somewhere.  And that makes me feel so great. To see her being independent and well.

Every time I see Carmen, I breathe deeper and in hope, I will always be there for my guy whatever he needs, but I want to know he will be ok on his own…

Ohhh the places you’ll go…lifelong friends (for those lucky enough)

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2017-05-24

Studying J.K. Rowling first book of Harry Potter got me curious enough to see the movie. In 3 days I saw them all 8 of them. Even though wizards and teenagers are not my thing, I did liked it. But the thing is, it was not because of all the magic or the fact that Rick Allan was there. It was the concept of “FRIENDS”. Harry was lucky enough to make friends from the very first day that never left his side. Is the kind of friendship I have never know and don’t know if I will ever will.  Don’t get me wrong, I do have a few of them, but all dispersed all over and far away. The kind of friendship that goes to get some drinks or go to eat or have fun, that’s something I don’t know anymore. And I don’t have friends from my childhood either. A price to pay on adulthood when most of your friends are childless and go on with their adventures.

This makes me kind of sad, but not for me. I keep thinking of my kids. Owen with his particularity does not have any friend that he goes out with or spend time outside the school hours. Maybe he has one that calls him from time to time.  They are very alike and so they understand each other. They only  I can’t help but wonder if they will last, if they will grow up to be adults and stay in each others lives. I really hope they do. I keep telling him how important is to have friends even though I have not given the best example lately. But true and loyal friends are one of the most important things in life we can have and we can be.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…graduation day

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“…Imagine having all five senses multiplied by one hundred. Many people with autism, myself included, have never experienced complete silence. We always hear the humming of the lights, or a bird outside, or even the sound of our own breath. We always hear this loud and clear, even in noise-filled crowded room…Even smiling and saying hello in the corridor. Small gestures matter. Often, they can speak louder than words ever could…..”

I read those words from an article a long time ago and saved those words, but failed to write down the name of the girl. I loved the whole article.  Today as in some special days, I get slapped with his autism. What I mean by that is that is just our way of living, so for me is normal. Just in some days I get that “wait, he is his own world” feeling.  Today is graduation day, but since they are home schooled at a center is not the same as in regular schools. And we are picking up a shirt for him to wear, something nice between those worn off  super heroes shirts and buttons shirts, there’s no way he would wear buttons shirt!.  We are looking for something in between, well, I am looking for something. He could not care less about how he dress or how he looks. As he clearly told me time and time again: “well mother, that is only important to you”.

His simplicity amazed me, that way he doesn’t care about what people think or see him. He genuinely does not care. And I love it. But just for today I want him to be a little more presentable. It is his 9th grade graduation. And we managed to find something he doesn’t hate and say yes to. Even if it was a “its ok” decision.  He will wear it, we will go to the activity, he will receive his awards of the year, he would not really care, I will be exited, we will share with his friends for a while and we will come back home and continue the day into the things he is interested in.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…Those J.K.Rowling words…

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2017-05-16

Image from her book

“We lack the conviction to become who we might be.” – Jason Silva

I read that on his page and in many photos, memes, magazines, and a tough comes quickly to my head. “I was the biggest failure I knew” that J.K.Rowling phrase echoes in my mind every day. At 40 and after been unemployed for some years because I needed to care for my kids, now it’s dawn on me how I didn’t cared about careers in my youth, I had a husband and a baby and that was all I wanted to think about.

And now, as a widow and after all the parenting I can have a breather, I find myself at an age where “make dreams come true” is something I can pursue but seems out of reach. Not for lack of desire but for living in times where youth is more desirable in all aspects.

Adding the fact that some courses will not be enough and getting a degree at this point is not a reality, I am feeling it all. It’s the excitement of finally been able to do something but the sadness of knowing how limited my options are. I understand what limbo might be like.

The last time I felt this emptiness was 15 years ago when my husband died. I had no idea of what to do with my life. So I started studying architecture, one of my passions. It was my therapy and my ticket back to life. But then a year later another reality check, my 2 year old was autistic. No more studying and work full time.

Now, 15 years later I am in a crossroads again. Only that this time I don’t have the youth and I’m completely oblivious of what I can or cannot dream about.
I would love to seat with you J.K. Rowling and pick on your brain. I would squeeze that brain of yours in search for some light and search for that magic and get inspired.

Ohhh the places you’ll go….Happy Mothers Day!

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Picture of me and  my little one…she refused to be out….behind me but always present!

Another mothers day and one more opportunity to say THANKS to those souls that made us who and what we are.  Little do they realize how important they have become and how life altering. For those of us with special children is even more special. Today I salute you all wonderful mothers and even fathers that also pull double duty.  We have been granted the enormous satisfaction of knowing what true,  undivided and unconditional love is. Have a great day, I will be seeing you around.

Ohhh The Places You’ll Go…On Being His Mom

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Just the other day, we were in the car (where 50% or more of our conversations happens) and we were listening to this “7 years” song.  The guy said something about how “he hopes his kids will come and visit maybe once or twice a month”.  Owen, on one of those few times who is actually paying attention to his surroundings, was listening on loading mode. Then comes the comment: “wow, dying without having children must be very sad.”  He went deep.  I just look at him and said, “Yes, must be. It’s the best thing in the world,” to what he smiled.

I completely agree with him. Never in my life I imagined myself married, I always saw myself with kids but never married, I never dreamed of a wedding (can’t even stand them!)

Let me be clear here, I completely understand and agree with people who don’t want kids.  It’s not for everyone. There’s too many mothers and fathers that should had never happened.  But at the same time, I feel sorry for them.

Because, you see…as limited, difficult, sacrificing, as uncertain as this road is, is one you don’t take alone. Is a road you have to share; it forces you to see things different, you have to see everything with different views, all at the same time. Because you are not only choosing something for you, you are affecting your kids.  But like I said, as sacrificing as it is, I cannot imagine, the thought of a person going through his/her whole existence without knowing the meaning of real, unconditional, unquestionable love is, just makes me sad.  For me, this is the best feeling and lesson you can get as a human being.

You can be a free soul, have million of awesome experiences; seeing and traveling the world, having a great job and tons of money, and believe me, I will envy you enormously.  But I would never change the greatness of the world, for the feeling of true unconditional love. To hear those words “I love you,” and know without a doubt in my heart, that is sincere and that will always be there, even after I am gone.

The lessons and feelings that comes with those beings that we create is something too great and powerful for words….

Ohhh the places you’ll go…off to the forest

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We have this thing where I would tell him something I read and then he will make it part of his routines…like, for example, once we read that drinking water before bed will prevent heart attacks, that was a couple of years ago, and every night, religiously, he does drink the glass of water just before bed.

This past week I was reading how beneficial it is to go to nature, how it makes us feel better, both in body and soul, so of course we decided that we can go there, to the forest, every now and then,  starting yesterday….It was a very dark day, weather wise, but hey, it is after all a rain forest, so it was gonna rain anyways….So, off we went…

All the way up the mountain, it was peaceful, most of the time it was just the two of us.  Of course he kept telling me what was on his mind.  At some points we will find some other people either going up and down, he will stop, say hi to every one of them and then we will resume venting his thoughts about how maybe aliens left us here in hopes that we will evolve and start using more than the 10% of our brains and become more intelligent that how they left us……Still, in the middle of those thoughts he would turn around and ask me: “so mom, if you or I pass away, is this a good place to come and feel better and meditate……?  Yes, of course Owen….it will be the perfect place… It was an awesome day even though it got pretty cold, we got soaking wet, and now everything hurts….It was necessary…

Ohhh the places you’ll go…There is no 13 reasons why…there is only ONE!

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We have been talking about this topic a lot lately.  I have been watching a television show called 13 REASONS WHY, and even though it boils my blood on some levels, its a very good show, especially for teenagers. It exposes very clearly to all the dangers and consequences of their actions.  And I have always been telling him this, even with your condition, you are old enough to know and thankfully you are very bright and you understand many things (even when I am aware that some many others are not where we will want yet, if ever) but I know that you understand that if you decide to do something, wherever it is, it will have a consequence.  I am a firm believer of Karma and to not make it angry, and its something both my kids have adopted too.  When something happens and we get to see the fallout, they will instantly look at me and say “karma”. So I know they understand. We learned a very clear lesson not so far ago.  We saw a guy coming running to the highway and been rolled over. That right there was very clear, what kind of person runs to the very highly traffic road, and under a peatonal bridge no less! We learned later that he had just killed his wife and was on the run.  Karma.

I keep telling him this, over and over, your decisions are your own, and yours only. Going back to the program, this teenager who appeared to be a smart and strong one, ends up killing herself and leaving some tapes for all the ones she considered “the guilty of her death”.  As I explained to him what the program was about, I was mad, not for all the things that happened to her, which by the way she let them happen, or could had avoid!. But I was mad cause yes, shit happens, and sometimes you cannot stop something bad from happening but guess what, it happened, but life goes on and you have to keep living. It was a lesson and you have to toughen up and deal with life head on. That my boy, its the ONLY REASON WHY!