Ohhh the places you’ll go…Those J.K.Rowling words…

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2017-05-16

Image from her book

“We lack the conviction to become who we might be.” – Jason Silva

I read that on his page and in many photos, memes, magazines, and a tough comes quickly to my head. “I was the biggest failure I knew” that J.K.Rowling phrase echoes in my mind every day. At 40 and after been unemployed for some years because I needed to care for my kids, now it’s dawn on me how I didn’t cared about careers in my youth, I had a husband and a baby and that was all I wanted to think about.

And now, as a widow and after all the parenting I can have a breather, I find myself at an age where “make dreams come true” is something I can pursue but seems out of reach. Not for lack of desire but for living in times where youth is more desirable in all aspects.

Adding the fact that some courses will not be enough and getting a degree at this point is not a reality, I am feeling it all. It’s the excitement of finally been able to do something but the sadness of knowing how limited my options are. I understand what limbo might be like.

The last time I felt this emptiness was 15 years ago when my husband died. I had no idea of what to do with my life. So I started studying architecture, one of my passions. It was my therapy and my ticket back to life. But then a year later another reality check, my 2 year old was autistic. No more studying and work full time.

Now, 15 years later I am in a crossroads again. Only that this time I don’t have the youth and I’m completely oblivious of what I can or cannot dream about.
I would love to seat with you J.K. Rowling and pick on your brain. I would squeeze that brain of yours in search for some light and search for that magic and get inspired.

Ohhh the places you’ll go….Happy Mothers Day!

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Picture of me and  my little one…she refused to be out….behind me but always present!

Another mothers day and one more opportunity to say THANKS to those souls that made us who and what we are.  Little do they realize how important they have become and how life altering. For those of us with special children is even more special. Today I salute you all wonderful mothers and even fathers that also pull double duty.  We have been granted the enormous satisfaction of knowing what true,  undivided and unconditional love is. Have a great day, I will be seeing you around.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…On being his mom

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Just the other day, we were in the car (where 50% or more of our conversations happens) and we were listening to this “7years” song.  The guy said something about how “he hopes his kids will come and visit maybe once or twice a month”.  Owen, on one of those few times who is actually paying attention to his surroundings was listening on loading mode. Then comes the comment: “wow, dying without having children must be very sad”.  He went deep.  I just look at him and said, “Yes, must be. Its the best thing in the world” to what he smiled.

I completely agree with him. Never in my life i imagined myself married, I always saw myself with kids but never married, I never dreamed of a wedding (cant even stand them!)

Let me be clear here, I completely understand and agree with people who don’t want kids.  Its not for everyone. There’s too many mothers and fathers that should had never happened.  But at the same time, I feel sorry for them.

Because, you see…as limited, as difficult, as sacrificing, as uncertain as this road is, is one you don’t take alone. Is a road you have to share, it forces you to see things different, you have to see everything with different views, all at the same time. Because you are not only choosing something for you, you are affecting your kids.  But like I said, as sacrificing as it is, I cannot imagine, the thought of a person going through his/her whole existence without knowing the meaning of real, unconditional, unquestionable love is, just makes me sad.  For me, this is the BEST feeling and lesson you can get as a human being.

You can be a free soul, have million of awesome experiences seeing and traveling the world, having a great job and tons of money, and believe you me, I will envy you enormously.  But I would NEVER change the greatness of the world, for the feeling of true unconditional love. To hear those words “I love you”, and know without a doubt in my heart, that is sincere and that will ALWAYS be there, even after I am gone.

The lessons and feelings that comes with those beings that we create is something too great and powerful for words….

Ohhh the places you’ll go…off to the forest

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We have this thing where I would tell him something I read and then he will make it part of his routines…like, for example, once we read that drinking water before bed will prevent heart attacks, that was a couple of years ago, and every night, religiously, he does drink the glass of water just before bed.

This past week I was reading how beneficial it is to go to nature, how it makes us feel better, both in body and soul, so of course we decided that we can go there, to the forest, every now and then,  starting yesterday….It was a very dark day, weather wise, but hey, it is after all a rain forest, so it was gonna rain anyways….So, off we went…

All the way up the mountain, it was peaceful, most of the time it was just the two of us.  Of course he kept telling me what was on his mind.  At some points we will find some other people either going up and down, he will stop, say hi to every one of them and then we will resume venting his thoughts about how maybe aliens left us here in hopes that we will evolve and start using more than the 10% of our brains and become more intelligent that how they left us……Still, in the middle of those thoughts he would turn around and ask me: “so mom, if you or I pass away, is this a good place to come and feel better and meditate……?  Yes, of course Owen….it will be the perfect place… It was an awesome day even though it got pretty cold, we got soaking wet, and now everything hurts….It was necessary…

Ohhh the places you’ll go…There is no 13 reasons why…there is only ONE!

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We have been talking about this topic a lot lately.  I have been watching a television show called 13 REASONS WHY, and even though it boils my blood on some levels, its a very good show, especially for teenagers. It exposes very clearly to all the dangers and consequences of their actions.  And I have always been telling him this, even with your condition, you are old enough to know and thankfully you are very bright and you understand many things (even when I am aware that some many others are not where we will want yet, if ever) but I know that you understand that if you decide to do something, wherever it is, it will have a consequence.  I am a firm believer of Karma and to not make it angry, and its something both my kids have adopted too.  When something happens and we get to see the fallout, they will instantly look at me and say “karma”. So I know they understand. We learned a very clear lesson not so far ago.  We saw a guy coming running to the highway and been rolled over. That right there was very clear, what kind of person runs to the very highly traffic road, and under a peatonal bridge no less! We learned later that he had just killed his wife and was on the run.  Karma.

I keep telling him this, over and over, your decisions are your own, and yours only. Going back to the program, this teenager who appeared to be a smart and strong one, ends up killing herself and leaving some tapes for all the ones she considered “the guilty of her death”.  As I explained to him what the program was about, I was mad, not for all the things that happened to her, which by the way she let them happen, or could had avoid!. But I was mad cause yes, shit happens, and sometimes you cannot stop something bad from happening but guess what, it happened, but life goes on and you have to keep living. It was a lesson and you have to toughen up and deal with life head on. That my boy, its the ONLY REASON WHY!

Ohhh the places you’ll go….and all the places they can take you!

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People ask me why l don’t a knowledge the April autism month. Well, is very simple. I have a blog that I share with strangers on a weekly basis. I don’t need one month to a knowledge it. I do it every day….. not even acknowledge, I live with it. Big difference…

Today he skipped school cause his little sister is sick and he is a little too, so we decided to stay and do homeshool ( he does both, home school and go to a center for math and other classes).  Among the many topics on his head, those random and sometimes exhausting long themes, he mix his stories on his head with worries about his life. He is aware of other kids having girlfriends and doing teenagers stuff, and he worries about it, still he goes to his la la land mode and storytelling. But today is different, non weird, but unusual, he is in a non stop chatting mode, and even sat down with me to talk about ideas and making a story in one of his many books.  I love these moments, even though I am trying to study.  But when he takes those moments to empty his mind, I have to be around….I have to listen.  So here I am, listening……….

As you can see, I live with this awesome ideas human machine, I don’t have to acknowledge, I live with it. Is like my own book of stories that talks to me, and I love it. You should be this lucky!

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Jobs…that necessary yet awful word….

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Thank you Mike Rowe and the friend who posted this just in the best moment!…

Jobs….a necessity of life…this is a conversation I have with my 16 year old Aspie a lot. He thinks that because of his condition he doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up. How do you explain that even when many do know what to do when they reach adulthood, so many others don’t. Not just because of lack of interest in a subject. Maybe just the opposite, a person can have many interests, a person can go from job to job, and who is to say is not correct?

A job is a job I keep telling him. As long as you feel happy and you have means to do the things you really want to do, go after whatever you want or can do. I have met both sides of the dilemma. I have a friend who always wanted to be an architect, she studied and graduated and now is an architect. She is happily married and living in Seattle. Life is good for her I guess. But I have also met people who got just the jobs they can get. Education, you see, is not available for everyone for many reasons. Still, they are poor as mouse but they are the happiest people I have known.

Then there’s the other side, the ones (like me) who have studied a couple of different things, not because of indecision but because I like many things and have some time to study,  I love to study and will probably die doing it. I haven’t really worked as any of the things I studied officially, instead I spend around 13 years working in the airport, in different companies and doing different things.  Of all the jobs I have had, being a ramp agent has been the most fun and challenging. Being there to block the airplanes and do all the things that has to be done in there, in a rush before another airplane comes in, was exiting for me. Many people, specially pilots back then didn’t understood how a woman can be doing that job and actually like it.  But I did, I enjoyed very much, I was extremely fit back then, another good side of the job.  The last 7 years I worked there I was at a “good job” with good benefits, but I was miserable, like many of the people working there.  You see, between been a ramp agent with no benefits or having a better job with better benefits but being miserable, I choose the ramp, every time.

Looking forward to end my current studies in what was supposed to be what I have done with my life from the beginning (you see Owen, I didn’t saw it that way back then, I just realized a couple of years ago, even when a good friend once told me “you should had been a photo journalist” some years back.  It never occurred to me, even when write and take photos is all that fills my soul.  Instead now I am trying to make it happen, yet age, like it or not, is a factor, so is just wait and see)  We will see what happens, if it happens good, if not, then whatever has to happen as long as it is a job and pay the bills and some trips, it will all be welcomed.

WORDS….the key to dreams…

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I found this lovely wall while walking thru San Juan…  and couldn’t help but think about some words I read in a book:

“and our eyes locked fin one of those shared but wordless moments when  you know that a stranger is thinking the same thing, or something approximating it, about an event that is unfolding…” David Cohen, Diary of a Commuter

Many people keep journals, to have a record of moments, of things they did on a particular day, on a particular year, so they can storage and maybe some other person reads it many years later. Somehow I find I have done the same but not with moments, but with words.

I have many books, notebooks, papers everywhere, and what you are going to find in them is WORDS.  It could be a sentence of a song,  something someone said in a movie. And definitely things I get out of books because they sound so ethereal, they take may mind away, far far away.  So, I do keep some kinds of journals, but they are in everywhere I am, in everything I touch.  I can be reading a book (and yes, I am one of those who underlines, writes notes on the foot of the page, I mark pages, I do it all) I can be reading a neuroscience’s book and have notes of songs on any given page. Is just what I do. Someday someone is going to read my things and say: ”this girls lived in some kind of fantasy” and yes, I live lost in words, in images of what those words mean or can be.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…..Cheers to uncertainty, these are the facts…

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…To whatever happens, however happens, only God and destiny knows.

They say: “getting the facts, getting all the facts, getting them in order, and presenting them clearly.”  I wish how to get order and clarity.  The facts are that I am a  single widow mother of two kids, Owen, the guy on my stories is an Aspie, he is autistic. And Evaness is a happy 9 year old who happens to be epileptic. Right now, due to not having help with them I am not working, I spend around 12 or 13 years at the airport but had to quit.  So here I am, needing a job, but trying to find the way to do it since Evaness is not old enough to be left alone and Owen is not able to take care of her if I have to go away for some hours.

You see, I have always been a free spirit and I love many things, have studied different things, but never got myself a career, it has never been important to me. Now at 40, I wish I did took something for a good job, like Journalism.  Some years ago a friend told me I should have been a photo journalist.  I did took a course and I love it, also have keep studying. I have always loved to write too.  Is something I have always done, in some way.  But for some reason never took seriously or considered as a career.  Now it seems like an unachievable goal.  I have the desire, and I am studying and taking courses, but the reality of my age is an issue that sadly is gonna get in my way.

Today my autistic son, who are not completely aware of how much I worry about the future, my future, his future, send me a little video about this awesome woman we all know and it was a very eye opening little video.  Is about J.K. Rowling and how she struggled and at the end well, we all know how it has been.  Little did he know, it was the kind of story I needed to hear about, a nice reminder that great things can happen.  I don’t expect anything great to happen to me, but still it gives me hope to think it will all  work out,  and it’s all going to be ok.

Ohhh the places you’ll go…Our house is a mess, Thank God!

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This week, with Owens approval and actual encouragement, I am talking about the other special girl in our lives….

You see, as much as I love Museums (and boy, do I love them) I do not wish to live in one.  Our days at home revolves around toys laying everywhere and me asking her to put them back (which she almost never do) but the thing is, I actually enjoy her mess…She has this extremely playful, happy, and lately a smarty pants attitude that sometimes gets to my never, but I very much prefer it to be this way…She will be a real ball-buster, which, I have to admit, I kind of love about her.  I prefer her to be like that, than to be a sensitive (to the extreme) shy princess!

She still has that innocence, she plays by herself with her dolls around the house, fantasizing  and laughing, like no one is watching.  I have found myself recording her every now and then.  Because even though she is still 9, the big girl attitude in her is starting to wake up.  Pretty soon, this little playful girl will just be present in those recordings. I hope not.

So, for the time being, I will enjoy how special she is and enjoy the mess.  I very much prefer to live with this mess, it means there’s still life in the house…….